What Next?
I was in a downward spiral when Renee came into my life. I was the Swing Shift supervisor, working in a privately owned assisted living facility. My role as Supervisor gave me access to the medicine cabinet, and occasionally I would bring home some stray opiates, and I’d promptly flush the pills down with Malt Liquor! I lived alone in those days. I lived alone, and I convinced myself that I deserved little more than the single room, roach infested studio apartment that I called home. I lived alone, and I convinced myself that I was fine with it. In those years I abused alcohol. I would drink myself blind on the weekends and limit myself to five beers on weeknights. I was perpetually hung-over, meaning I had become accustomed to the mire.
I was in a downward spiral when Renee came into my orbit. It was over twenty years ago, and I had given up on life! I was clinically depressed, but therapy wasn’t an option. I would have been prescribed with anti-depressants, if I bothered to obtain a primary physician. Renee healed me where I didn’t know I needed to be healed. I can say this with confidence because Renee will agree that I aided her healing as well. Throughout the span of our marriage, we combined our strengths with our weaknesses, meaning we managed to ratchet ourselves out of hell together, as one cohesive unit.
Renee was overqualified for the job but when you’re poor you take what you can get. Due to childcare issues, employment at the assisted living facility was the best fit. Renee was overqualified for the job because her skillset was rooted in technology. Renee possessed skills honed from countless hours of self-study! As a child, Renee’s one and only privilege was her introduction to tech. Her father encouraged his children to code, back in the days of five-inch floppies, and clunky cassettes! When Renee turned twenty, she bought her first Personal Computer. I recall the heavy beige case and small Cathode Ray Tube Monitor. The hard drive capacity was four gigabytes, and it set her back $2500, not counting interest payments.
As supervisor, I was charged with the task of training Renee. The thankless job was backbreaking and stressful. Duties included bathing residents, performing laundry, and changing soiled adult diapers. Renee, whose passion was rooted in tech, was overqualified for the job. The work was brutal; but when you’re poor, without childcare, you take what you can get.
At first, I resisted the pouty lips and sultry brown eyes, but when two worlds collide conventional norms fall asunder. Renee as you know is the element of water. I didn’t know it then, but I represent pure fire! At a chemical level the odds were against us, but that couldn’t quench the insatiable desire! I don’t know how it worked; we had few things in common. She was cultured and poised in a way that, to me, was uncommon. Renee was well-spoken and to me that was impressive. In contrast, I can be a mean bastard, cruel, and aggressive! The attraction was beyond superficial because I was drawn to her intelligence, beauty, and courage! In my eyes, Renee was a mirror, and she presented a reflection of shame, cowardice, and pain! I resisted my reflection and pushed her away! Despite my reluctance, Renee’s love intensified! In my heart I just knew that my demons would keep her at bay; but when I earned her father’s respect it blew her away.
A short time progressed before we moved in together. To make a long story short we were inseparable. Months became years and soon Diego took his first steps! The years flew by as they often do; and then he grew up, and Aiden did too! Now Aiden is an adult and wise beyond his years. “I saw his first steps also,” I say to myself, while fighting back tears! What a Narcissist I’ve been throughout the years! Giving it a label doesn’t make it okay, Renee’s capacity to absorb cruelty astounds me to this day!
Being a fire creature, I tend to destroy beautiful things. The divorce became final two months before our twentieth anniversary.
_Zane Shimek
